Skyrim Borders to be Closed?
Note to non-gamers: Skyrim is a role playing game in the style of Lord of the Rings. If you need an explanation of the explanation, please visit your local gamer and geek hangout for an official, real-time translation!
OFFICE OF PUBLIC HEALTH & SAFETY
Dear Stewards of Skyrim,
I appeal to you as the true powers in the realm of Skyrim: those who can actually get things done. My previous five letters to the Jarls have been ignored. This cannot continue. The issues I have raised represent serious and egregious violations of law, code and policy. Allowing these issues to stand shows a severe disregard for the safety and security of the people of Skyrim. Trust me. I am only trying to help.
Again, I present a list of the most serious problems found on my recent tour of Skyrim:
- Unattended open flames
- Bridges without guardrails
- Food left out on tables, floors and even in barrels!
- Lack of indoor plumbing in homes, government offices and, most seriously, in taverns
- Lack of liquor licenses in public establishments.
- Lack of handicapped access: in fact, in my entire time in Skyrim I saw NO handicapped people? Where are you keeping them?
- Unleashed, unlicensed and, most likely, unvaccinated pets
- Sawmills operated without safety equipment
- Weapons carried openly and without permit
- Unlicensed healthcare providers: I don’t care that you call them “alchemists”. One tried to sell me a health potion and that makes her a doctor in my book.
Stewards, I have not seen such horrible conditions since I visited New Vegas last year! And that place is a true wasteland. I implore you to use your influence on your leaders to correct these and other problems as noted in my previous letters.
These MUST be corrected immediately or most serious action will be taken: the borders of Skyrim will be closed and all tourism and trade completely halted.
Failure to comply within 30 days (which I calculate translates in your calendar to First Turdas, Second Seed, 4E 201 will result in swift and immediate action. If necessary, we will send in the National Guard and I must point out that NONE of them has ever suffered Skyrim’s most common injury as we provide our military with excellent knee armor.
Brian T. Jones, Chief Inspector Office of Public Health and Safety, Bethesda, MD